Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Stinkin' Thinkin'

You want insanity? I'll tell you what insanity is. It's insisting you don't have an addiction problem when you do, and going out of your way to ensure other people don't think that as well. How do you do that? You cover your tracks.

I would sometimes buy a six-pack, then run back out to the corner liquor store to buy more when I ran out (until I wised up and started buying 12 packs or a six-pack of tall boys). When I went back the second time, I'd mumble some excuse about "my company drank up the beer" or "I didn't buy enough for my guests" so the cashier wouldn't think I'd drunk all the beer by myself. (Which, of course, I had.)

Or I'd go to two stores and buy two different kinds of beer and drink one six pack before my partner got home, then take out the garbage so as to hide the empties. Then I'd start in on the second six-pack, and when my partner got home, it'd look like I'd had only two when in fact I'd had eight.

Sometimes I'd keep a fifth of vodka hidden behind my guitar case or hidden in the bathroom under the sink behind all the cleaning supplies. Then I could sneak into the bathroom and have a shot or two, flush the toilet, and come out, my throat burning, looking for all the world as if I'd only gone in there to pee.

Never once did it occur to me this was crazy behavior.

In my way of thinking, I was just trying to avoid being nagged--because there was absolutely nothing wrong with the amount I was drinking. They just didn't understand that the amount was normal for me.

So let me be clear. When you lie about how much you drink, you have a problem. When you hide empties, you have a problem. When you hide booze so you can sneak drinks, you have a problem. It's not your wife; it's not your friends; it's not your family--it's you. The problem is in that glass in your hand.

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