Friday, September 10, 2010

From the Desk of Queen Nutmeg

My Highness: well, the election looms closer, and I've spent what is to me a paltry $120,000 million on running these negative campaign ads. Oh, I did run one positive ad about Royal ME!! It gushed about my grand achievements when I was running eBay. So glad it left out all that nastiness about that employee lawsuit settled out of court, about that time I lost it and pushed her when she had the audacity to question one of my proclamations. The nerve. Oh, and so glad it left out my decision to acquire Skype. So far that has been a moneypit. Haha, it's eBay's problem now. Sorry! The door didn't hit my ass on the way out, hee hee.

Jerry Brown: he's such a wussy. All he's done is run some ad questioning some of my practices in the stock market. They may be illegal now, but they weren't when I did it. You don't ascend to the high and mighty position I'm in by being a Miss Goody Two Shoes. Ditto my connection to Goldman-Sachs. Just because I served on the board and profited handsomely from being there, that doesn't mean I knew a single thing about their sneaky deals. I barely paid attention at those meetings. Too busy thinking deep, profound, or lofty thoughts. Like, you just can't get good help anymore.

But Jerry Brown could be a problem. Getting the Republican nomination by hating on Steve Poizner was a cinch. Wussy Jerry ... he's a problem. But I still have weapons in my arsenal. Time to haul those out!

Let's see. Okay, I can't really run any ads dissin' ole Jerry for his performance as Governor of California, because he didn't do a bad job. He was pretty famous for being frugal. In this economy, that's a good thing, so I can't mention that. Oh, I know! He did go in as mayor of Oakland when that city was unraveling. I'll just blame that on him. Who cares that mayors don't set school district policy? I'll just say that public education foundered in Oakland when Jerry was mayor. People are so stupid they'll think there's actually a connection. Oh, yes! I'll also point out that the murder rate went up in Oakland while Jerry was mayor. It's not a lie. And the stupid masses (such asses, ugh, so distasteful--stinky little people) will assume that means Jerry was the cause. Ha! I'm so clever.

Oh, look! My staff found this old footage of Bill Clinton talking about Jerry Brown back when they were both campaigning for the Democratic Presidential nomination in the 1980s. Ha, old Slick Willy sure was a sneaky one. I admire that. He's really ripping into Jerry in this footage. I will run THIS as an ad about how ineffective Jerry is. What's that, you say? Bill Clinton has admitted he had his facts wrong when he said these things? So? Ethics? Why should I pay any attention to those?

Look, the voters of California are so stupid that they'll believe anything I say. This is a gift horse (although truly I would have preferred a thoroughbred instead of Bill Clinton, that nasty old mule, but whatever). Democratic California loves Bill Clinton. So if he once said, twenty years ago, that Jerry Brown wasn't the right choice for President and here's why, that's good enough for me, and I don't CARE if he has since taken those facts back as having been incorrect. It's on video, see, and video never lies.

Ha Ha Ha! I'm brilliant! If I run this ad three times every hour, every person out there too lazy to do some outside reading or to listen to those pesky debates Jerry Brown keeps challenging me to, will just swallow what I say hook, line, and sinker.

I'll gladly fork over more millions to run those ads so often they'll all hear me, even if they don't want to. We all know, if you say it enough times, even if it's a lie, people will eventually believe it. I'm counting on that.

Yet people say you can't buy an election in America.

Ha! I say "BUY IT NOW!"

Good brainstorming, ME! It's grand to be the Queen!

No comments: