Thursday, May 27, 2010

Queen Nutmeg Whitman

My Dear Loyal Subjects:

As Queen of eBay, We make this proclamation:

You shall elect Us the new Governor of the Kingdom of California, and We shall grace you with Our wit, charm, bleating, and frumpiness whilst We bully the electorate into doing as We bid. Our coffers remain bottomless, and even though We have always viewed the political process with disdain (so tacky), We see it as a temporary albeit necessary evil as We attempt to purchase that office with Our proposed "Buy It Now" option.

Once elected, We shall dispatch the National Guard to the border to shoo away those frightfully awful Mexicans. They complain there are no opportunities at home, no tortillas. We say, "Let them eat flan!"

Our opponent, Steve Poizner, who dares to oppose Us in his own run for this High Office, is a bleeding heart liberal who (and We daresay this is shameful gossip and We would never pass it along except that We will because We are the Queen) is secretly carrying on with Barbara Boxer. We adamantly deny We ever went on record supporting Dame Boxer. My loyal subjects, do not believe the evidence before you. Videos prevaricate. We never have. We are the Queen.

With Our usual magnanimity, We decree that We shall change all laws to support privately owned and public corporations, especially those in which We own stock. We shall defy all efforts to switch to green technology as any move to protect the environment is fruitless--without business, there are no people, and without people, why, there is no need for an environment.

As for the rights of homosexuals, like Our old friend Queen Victoria, We just don't believe in lesbians.

A good Queen is judged by the company she keeps, so We have drawn to ourselves a court of jolly jesters including Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, and Condoleezza Rice. They shall speak for Us as We find the Press distasteful and beneath Us and shall not grant them an audience.

See ya in Sacramento, suckerz.

All best regards,
Queen Nutmeg

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